1953-2007
THE CYBERSHUL

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This Week’s Torah Reading

Vayishlah

Vayishlah means "Jacob sent" messengers to his angry brother Esau, the man from whom he originally fled 20 years earlier. Anxious, Jacob prepares for battle, prays, and sends his brother gifts. In a mystical passage, Jacob successfully wrestles an angel through the night. The angel renames Jacob "Israel" [meaning: one who has wrestled with God] and Jacob limps away. Jacob and Esau meet, hug and kiss, and diminish tensions. Shechem, a local, rapes Jacob’s daughter Dina. He wants to marry her and have his people intermarry with the Israelites. Jacob’s outraged sons will not intermarry with the uncircumcised. Shechem convinces the local males to undergo circumcision. But Simeon and Levi, two of Jacob’s sons, slay the males while they were recuperating and take Dina back. At Beth El, God promises Jacob children and land. Rachel dies during the birth of her second, Benjamin. At 180 years of age, Isaac dies..

A SHABBAT THOUGHT

It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.

~~ Nancy Donahue ~~

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Coney Island—in Yiddish!

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GOTTA GET IT, GOTTA GIVE IT!

Dear CyberRav,

My ex-wife and I married in 1995 under the auspices of a Conservative rabbi. I regret that after so many years, despite three wonderful children, things just didn't work out. It happens. I hope it is not too much to ask, but I am curious about the following:

We have been members of a reform temple for nearly a decade. We have found the Reform temple to be especially dynamic. There is a court order that, unless there is an agreement between us, the children will become Bar and Bat mitzvah in the Reform movement.

My ex-wife now wants a get. Her position is that, even though the Reform movement does not require a get, she wants to "keep her options open" regarding remarriage into another movement. I believe that after a decade of membership in a Reform shul, we are members of that movement. So, I suppose I have two questions:

(1) Is a get even necessary; and

(2) If she were to remarry a Conservative or Orthodox man, what would the effect be of getting/not getting a get?

I have offered to pay for the get. I just want to understand it better.

Want to Get Going, One Way or Another

Dear Want to Get Going,

I'll begin by thanking you for writing to me and seeking out another opinion from someone representing an approach to Judaism that now differs from your own.

Gittin (the plural of get) are important. In both the Conservative and Orthodox approaches to Judaism, a get terminates a religious marriage. Remember that you were (as are all Jewish couples) married twice--once in the eyes of the state and once in the eyes of God. Just as a civil divorce terminates the civil marriage, so too the get terminates the religious marriage. Without a get, a couple having undergone a civil divorce are still technically married on the eyes of God.

That having been said, a Conservative or Orthodox rabbi will not officiate at the marriage of a previously married individual or couple unless the parties involved have given (in the case of a man) or received (in the case of a woman) a get. I think your ex-wife is wise in getting a get in order to keep her options open. I think you are wise in giving the get and thus keeping your options open. And in satisfying the religious needs of both parties by the menschlichkeit that you are clearly demonstrating, it allows everyone to more quickly close a chapter of their lives that has ended sadly in order to open new chapters with the promise of happier episodes to come.

Be well and Shalom--

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