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This Week’s Torah Reading

Vayera

VayeRA—Abraham proves himself exceedingly hospitable to strangers; he learns that Sarah, at 90 years plus, will give birth to a child; he debates God about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah; he expels a beloved servant, Hagar, and her son, Ishmael; and almost sacrifices his beloved son, Isaac, to God.

A Shabbat Thought

What a different world this would be if people would listen to those who know more and not merely try to get something from those who have more.

~~ William Boetcke  ~~

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WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY

Dear CyberRav,

I am curious to know your position on apologies? Is there anything in the Torah that tells us when we should or should not apologize to someone if we have done something wrong? In his book The Last Lecture, Professor Randy Pausch says that everyone should be able to offer an apology and that a good apology has three components: "I'm sorry. I screwed up/was wrong. What can I do to fix things?" Until I read that, I had never realized that I very much agreed with that philosophy. Of course, sometimes, one cannot fix something they did wrong, and other times, just acknowledging the wrong and apologizing, is, in and of itself, enough to right the wrong. However, I have, as I am sure many have, encountered people who do not believe that they ever owe people apologies for anything they do, even when they are blatantly wrong. So, I was wondering if the Torah makes mention of anything having to do with apologies.

Signed,

Our Torah promotes apologies and, especially around the time of the High Holidays, encourages us to do just that. That mitzvah is based on a ruling in the Torah which states, "If a man or woman sins against his fellow man...they must confess the sin that they committed" (Numbers 5:6-7). This ruling forms the whole basis for doing teshuvah or repentance year-round, but especially during the High Holidays.

In a broader sense, the High Holidays offers us a time when we can heal our wounds through mehilah, forgiving others for their sins. The tradition would not necessarily have us forgive others until they have asked for forgiveness, that is, apologized for their actions. There is a certain justice in that, but a danger as well. Those "others" may never feel the need to apologize, and we, the wounded, can carry our anger for years and years. That kind of anger is a poison for the soul. It is best, therefore, for our own sakes, to make some excuse for the culprit--bad upbringing, poor manners, low intelligence--whatever it might take to bring us to the position where we can finally say--they couldn't possibly have understood the implications of their actions, and on that basis, forgive them. In forgiving them, we free ourselves of the anger and rid ourselves of an emotional drain that can only sap us of our energy and good sense.

One caveat--this idea, I believe, works for most ordinary insults, lapses of judgment, missteps, and so forth, that so many of us commit, whether deliberately or inadvertently. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for the really big sins--murder, fraud, adultery, etc.--

Waiting for an apology? You may never get it. Depending on the nature of the wrong committed, I would suggest forgiving the person and freeing yourself from your own disappointment or anger.

Rabbi Rafi Rank
CyberRav

Shabbat Shalom Everyone!!

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